Rule-Breakers Are Dumb

Dear Diary,

I love rules. All my life I have been a rule follower and that’s done nothing but help guide me safely through life. Many people see me as a square because of this, but I just see myself as smart.

My love and respect for the rules started early, in my childhood. Occasionally would slip up and break a rule that I thought was arbitrary and useless, but then I would get punished and I sure learned my lesson. The first time I can really remember this happening was when I trooped up our long windy driveway to sell lemonade on the roadside. I didn’t really think I would get kidnapped, after all kids in tv did it all the time. But no, according to my parents my hometown was filled with kidnappers and pedophiles so I was promptly grounded and couldn’t leave our yard for two days.

Since that minor slip up I haven’t done much rule breaking. I’m an avid wearer of my seat belt (especially in cabs) and always look both ways before crossing the street. Listed below are a few of my favorite rules:

My favorite rule #1: No alcohol consumption until the age of 21. I am proud to say that I did not drink alcohol until I was of age (now’s a completely different story). Growing up none of my friends drank because we knew all the kids who did drink and they were stupid and drunk assholes. So why would I want to be like them? Personally if it were up to me I’d make it so you had to pass a “drunk” test that evaluated how one conducted themselves when under the influence before consuming alcohol. But since that’s too complex I guess age is the second best system.

My favorite rule #2: Wear a bra. Let’s be honest, boobs in a bra just look prettier. No one wants to see a pair of jugs flopping around unsupported. A bra lifts and separates, making the breasts look healthy and perky. Even if you are a size A a bra is still necessary… especially in the winter.

My favorite rule #3: No running next to a swimming pool. Those are slippery surfaces and the last thing I want to have to do is dive into bloody water to save a dumbass who slipped and hit their head. That’s just gross and you could get the hiv that way.

One of my big pet peeves is when people say, “rules are meant to be broken.” So then is it okay to drink and drive or murder people? I don’t think so! Rules are not meant to be broken, they are meant to keep us safe and function as a society.

Occasionally I’m okay with breaking the rules as long as there are rules to breaking the rules. Such as driving over the speed limit, no more than 10 mph over. Living in New York has caused me to reevaluate my views on certain rules. There are some rules in New York that you just have to break, its a part of society. Such as jay walking: the New York rule is “if there are no cars coming you can walk.” Overall rule breaking is complex and can be dangerous so a good rule of thumb is to just follow the rules.

Lets not forget about the most important rule, The Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” If everyone followed that life would be smooth sailing and drama free. Then again… where’s the fun in that?

Hugs and kisses till next time!

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Why Won’t Anyone Play With Me?

This week for many youngsters starts the beginning of school. One of my friends is starting her first year of teaching and has been busily preparing her classroom and lesson plans. In hearing about her preparation I have started reminiscing about my good old days in elementary school. Thinking back life should have been carefree and easy, I shouldn’t have had a problem in the world, but alas my world was filled with trials and tribulations. What follows is a list of my top five major dramas while in elementary school.

5. Kathryn Lamp. I’m sorry. I’m trying to keep this blog as anonymous as possible, but this bitch deserves to have her name mentioned. I mean she called her self Kty… as a result everyone called her K.T.Y. I can’t remember what she did to me, but I know that I did not like her and was constantly fighting with her and being pulled apart by the playground monitors.

4. The First Grade. It was a tough year for me, I remember getting yelled at for coloring outside the lines. Its not like anyone colors outside of the lines on purpose, my motor skills were slow to develop! Also for some reason I had no friends that year. I guess my social skills were slow to develop too. I remember at recess I would wander around the playground alone. Once some older girls came up to me and asked me to be a spy for them and spy on the boys. I made up some excuse and said I couldn’t because I was helping the ants. What?! I still don’t understand my thought process. Ever since then I have been paranoid of being without friends so anytime anyone invites me to do something rather than make up a lame excuse I participate. Picnic in the park… I’m there. Hanging out at da club… just name the date. Killing harmless puppies… you can count on me.

3. John Vanderpool. We carpooled to school everyday and were in the same class. At one time he got into the habit of demanding my Ding Dong at lunch. He said if I didn’t give it to him then he would hit me all the way home and his punches hurt! So one day I was tired of his bullying and I said NO. For the rest of the day I was terrified of the ride home. When class was dismissed I trembled in fear. The whole way home I was silent. But I guess he forgot because he didn’t hit me at all. Even if he did it wasn’t like his mom driving us would tolerate it. But in my 4th grade mind this is how it went, “John why are you hitting her?” “Mom she wouldn’t give me her ding dong!” “Oh, I see. Proceed.”

2. Threesomes. Girls are bitches. Once I stopped helping the ants after first grade I made a best friend. She and I had every class together from second grade on. It was always her and I and someone else. That third person changed the dynamics between me and my BF. I can remember the two of them running from me at recess and me doing the same to her. Of course it always ended in my BF and I ditching the third party for good. But you never knew from one day to the next who would be the odd girl out.

1. The Sixth Grade Christmas Play. At my school it was tradition for the sixth graders to star in the Christmas play. I had looked forward to this since kindergarten, the thought of being up there on stage, acting, it was my dream! I had waited six years for this. Finally it was time for me to try out. I did okay in the audition, despite my sad ability to read out loud (it was a learning disability). When the time came to announce who had what part I waited anxiously for my name to be called. Almost every other sixth grader’s name was called except for mine. My little heart was broken. And to make matters worse, guess who got the lead… that’s right, my BF! I went home and cried and cried, and it only went downhill from there. The practices were during recess and the only people not a part of the practices were a few losers like me wandering around the playground. Then at the performance I was stuck up with all the fifth graders singing, “Christmas time, is no time, no time to diet. It’s no time for watching your weight.” It was humiliating.

Now that I’m much older my dramas and traumas have changed a little, but when you break it down they really are as trivial as my dramas in the first grade. I’m still awaiting acceptance, girls are still bitches, and boys still hit me.

Hugs and kisses till next time!

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Today I Started A Blog

Dear Diary,

Today I started a blog.  Why I decided to start a blog isn’t exactly clear.  One of my friends proposed the idea after I decided to start my blog because a while back when I had a streak of unusual thoughts and since then have been bringing up in just about every conversation, “Oh, I should write a blog about that…”  (Yes I’m totally “that” girl).

But Dear Diary I have to admit starting a blog hasn’t been as easy as I thought it would be, in fact it has been quite an ordeal.  First I had to figure out which blog site to use.  That proved difficult because I got numerous reasons from multiple people about which site is the best.  Finally I went with WordPress because it is the prettiest and allowed me to put up a picture of my beaver.  But then I had to decide on a template and colors, it has been a never ending process!

Then came the hard part.  Writing something to post.  I’m a strong believer in when you start a blog you should put up a few posts so people understand that I am a serious blogger.  Not one of those “post once a month” bloggers, but I have a lot to say and this blog is not to be taken lightly.  It will be maintained.

Then came the “what came first the chicken or the egg” debacle.  Because I want to have a few posts when my blog begins I also want to have an intro post.  But if I post it first people will read it last… because the newest posts are at the top.  So do I fake it and post it last so it will be read first?  After weighing my options I finally came to a conclusion and feel pretty good about it.

So now that the blog is up and running I hope people read it.  If not… well then that’s okay too because its comforting to know that my thoughts are out there on the world wide web.

Hugs and kisses till later!

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